Who am I?
Sometimes I see and feel things I am not sure others do. And I wonder to myself… Why am I the person I am? Why wasn’t I born in someone else’s body or life?
The life I live now, the way I a
m and the past experiences I had makes me who I am today.
My childhood wasn’t that bad, I enjoyed outdoors and friends, but as my teenage years came, I changed.
I couldn’t handle when the above questions came in to my head in my teenage years. I was confused, broken and lost. A girl who didn’t know who she was or how she was supposed to handle life.
I didn’t understand why or for what people loved me. My family encouraged me, told me I could go far in life by achieving a lot and getting good qualifications. I didn’t believe them. I felt helpless and useless.
Since being a teenager was hard, full of bullying and high expectations from others, I felt suffocated. I wanted to disappear.
My Adult life…
As I turned 18 and after many events in my life I started to self harm, beat myself and distanced from others. People thought I was only seeking attention, that I was crazy, some knew I was only a girl who needed help, love and pointing in to the right direction.I didn’t know how to laugh or enjoy life…
Mum was at first embarrassed of me and what I was doing. She kept shouting and making me feel worse. After sometime I became immune to her comments which were lacking knowledge. Few close to death experiences, many occasions of me hiding my cuts and scars her understanding was still minimal. Later she became worried, supported and protected me.
Some people never knew I had this condition, I would hide my scars so people wouldn’t see it. I was always smiling at work and giving people advice. When people found out I had all those scars and how broken I was they couldn’t believe it, one of my colleague’s exact words:- “You always seemed so positive and helpful, even tho you was the one in need of help”.
“Sometimes we help others, even tho we are the ones in need of it”
Voices in my Head…
Soon my depression and self harming was out of hand. I started hearing voices in my head (a very realistic manly voice), telling me I was useless and I needed to die. The attack used to stop me from controlling my actions against myself. The voice made me cut myself, I would try stop it, but I was helpless, it made me do it. As I would come back to myself to myself I would sit there crying, because I knew people wouldn’t believe me.
How I out mastered ”The Voice”…
I realized as had the attacks more and more, I would get pressure in my head, shaking and sadness. So I thought I will try to talk to someone as I felt the attack getting closer. And it help, the pressure in my head would stop. I started reading online and took advice from other people, I started using breathing, yoga and meditation. Took me a long time and many years on medication to make it all stop.
I knew I didn’t need doctors anymore as they didn’t know what I was going through, they only knew how to prescribe me tablets.
I then started reading, listening to cleansing music: Enigma and Enya. That was only the beginning. I worked a lot with my thoughts, learned how to enjoy life, was patient and believed that I can be normal.
I was finally able to show my scars and wear short sleeve tops. I was proud of who I was and what a good person I became because of those scars.
I am confident, enthusiastic, positive and I finally enjoy life. I am on this earth to make a difference and help people by being the one to point them in to the right direction.
I wouldn’t be here today if not my Mum and couple of friends who stuck by me on my bad days and on those good ones too.
♥Thanks to my Family, Friends and to You taking your precious time to read my story.♥